How to Catch and Keep a Quality Mentor

It used to be that you only had to dodge questions about whether you had a significant other at family gatherings, but nowadays you get to work and everyone wants to know about the status of that other must-have relationship. Do you have a mentor? What kinds of things do you do together? Does your mentor have a friend who can be my mentor? Maybe we could all double sometime.

OK, I’m exaggerating slightly. But there is some truth to the fact that people spend an awful lot of energy finding a mentor because they’re “supposed to.” Then, once they have one, they think: “Now what?”

Don’t get me wrong: Having a combination advisor, friend, and powerhouse in your professional corner can be the absolute best. But finding one is only the first step. Next you need to build the relationship. Here are some dos and don’ts to keep in mind.

Do Figure Out What You Want

Mentoring comes in all shapes and sizes. It’s not all meeting for coffee and reporting back. In fact, some pairs may never meet in person and only stay in touch over email. That can be great if you’re super busy—and not so great if you have trouble expressing yourself in writing.

The fellowship program I managed had a mentoring component, and we had potential participants (on both sides) fill out a survey where they selected their ideal relationship. People could choose how often they’d like to be in touch, how they’d like to be contacted, and why they're interested in having a mentor—whether it’s to connect with someone local or to connect with someone with proven success in a specific industry.

Be clear on your priorities by thinking through these questions before reaching out to someone. That’s not to say the other person will be available to meet for lunch once a week to discuss career goals just because you’d like that, but even approximations of this (i.e., yes, you’re hoping for someone with local knowledge and no, you don’t care about the industry as much as you care about general success) are a good starting point.

Don’t Make Up Problems

So, you meet up with your mentor whose first question is “How can I help?” Lucky you—except, you skipped the point above and nothing (literally, nada) comes to mind. You don’t want to spend your first meeting or phone call talking about the weather, so you think of a problem your connection might be interested in solving. Before you can stop yourself, the words, “My boss is a jerk!” or “I have no meaningful work,” shoot out of your mouth.

But in real life, your supervisor is fine and you like your job. However, you asked, so, you now listen to you contact give 20 minutes of his best advice. And then, in every future meeting, he inquires how this problem is going. While you’re ostensibly bonding with this person, it’s not genuine.

If you don’t have a good answer, a better bet is to flip the question back around. Ask her to discuss the career path she took. Is there something she wishes she’d known at your stage? Has anything she’s recently read or learned shifted her approach? Tell her you’d love to be able to connect and share ideas with someone you admire.